I’m Not Going to Your Wedding



It’s been so long since I’ve been to a wedding. I haven’t been to a wedding in at least eleven years. Everyone, except one couple has divorced. Most of these friends have remarried. I think my invite to their all of their second weddings got lost in the mail.

It’s ok. I’m not totally disappointed that I’m not going to your upcoming wedding. I was married once. I’m kind of over weddings and marriage.

Here is a list of reasons that I won’t be attending your wedding. See if you can pick the one that’s the most true.

  1. I’m so deep undercover that even I don’t know my location.
  2. I never give out my address. Your beautiful, elegant invite will never find me.
  3. You’re an asshole and I don’t like you anyway.
  4. I’m an asshole and you don’t like me either.
  5. Who likes happy occasions? Not me.
  6.  Let’s skip all of the formal stuff. Just send me an invite the bachelorette party.
  7. Your mom is afraid that I’m going to steal your man.
  8. Your mom is afraid that I’m going to steal your woman.
  9. Everyone is afraid that I’ll ruin it with all of my emotional baggage.
  10. I’m angry, bitter and no fun at all. You could invite me to your divorce party maybe.