As creative folk, it’s important that we try and understand what influences us to create the things we do, and why. Ultimately, everything we are and the way we go about living our lives is a result of everything we’ve previously experienced and everything that has happened to us. It stands to reason that the things we create are just manifestations of our own interpretation of reality and the things we have experienced. I think that if you’re looking to make meaningful art and are really trying to achieve something with your art (be it money or fame or acceptance, whatever it may be) then it’s important to look inward and figure yourself out in the process. Even if that means that, at the end of the day, all you’ve found is that you really love chocolate and so you’re going to make some fancy paintings of chocolate. Even something as benign as that has the potential to reach people and to actually say something – if it’s a genuine reflection of you as a person, then it’ll give your audience a way to connect to you personally. And at the end of the day, is that not what we all crave? Genuine human connections that ultimately validate our own existence and make us feel more alive?
This is an ongoing process for pretty much all of us, as we’re constantly changing and evolving. In my case, I write heavy music. Crejuvent is my primary vehicle for this perpetual exploration. I need a project where I’m allowed to be as true to myself as possible as I seem to have a lot of unresolved issues to work through. The result is a project that’s thematically robust, although a bit jarring. It’s somewhat uncomfortable and it can put a lot of people off.
That’s pretty much how I feel all the time.
I can proudly say that the music I make as Crejuvent IS me, as it’s as honest a representation and an exploration I can construct. And the results of me putting the music out there for people resonate with me. I know a lot of respectable musicians that have listened to the music, and their thoughts are pretty much the same: “You’re a great musician, so why make something like this?” And as a result, I don’t get taken very seriously. This is very in-keeping of my subconscious need to self-sabotage any chance I have of happiness and human relationships. I’ve done it with friends, with partners, with people I care about, and I do it in my art as well.
Not out of choice, mind you. It’s just an unfortunate side effect of living with a mental illness. But in saying that, it sounds like I’m trying to skirt away from any responsibilities for my actions, and just being like “ah well, that’s just life”.
But that’s not entirely the case. I’m saying that and trying to admit that to myself as a means to improve. The first step in getting better is realising there’s a problem to begin with. And I hope that I can work through whatever issues I may have by writing angry music about it.
If you’ve listened to my music at all, or followed me on social media or whatever, you’ll notice there’s also a sense of irony and humour to what I do. That’s mostly there as a safety net. I HAVE to laugh at myself and at my issues somewhat, because the alternative would be succumbing to it and letting it take over.
The point is this: if you’re a creative person in some capacity or you’re trying to create something good and pure, then don’t compromise. As good or nasty (such as in my particular case) as the truth may be, you will only be lying to yourself and consequently to your audience by compromising. When creating, you have to surrender to yourself.