What happens when your abuser dies unexpectedly? I don’t have answers for what should happen next. What’s right or wrong? No idea.
If you’re like me, you will feel relieved. It’s a strange feeling which leads to other feelings – mostly guilt and sadness. I can’t say that I’m sad about his passing. I’m not doing cartwheels of joy either. He is mourned by his family.
People offer their condolences. My friend said that it’s ok to be sad because at one time we were close. It had been several years since I had seen him. The last time I saw him was at Wal-Mart. I hid in the kitchen accessories department because he would never find me there.
Then all of the memories come back and the depression sets in for a long visit. It’s like when your shitty in-laws stay for an extended vacation and upsets the balance of your household.
I had to make a list.
Things I should not feel guilty about:
- for being sort of happy about not having to look over my shoulder.
- for not having to worry anymore about my ex getting custody of my daughter.
- for not letting him see her. I had my reasons. Very valid reasons.
For several years, I have held onto all sorts of feelings that are associated with this relationship. Now what?
Now there’s emptiness where there used to be anger and resentment. Not feeling anything has been a weird experience.
I should probably replace them with something more positive.